I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
