I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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