Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
