pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
