Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
