The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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