So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
