My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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