Don't make out with my wife yet
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
