I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
