Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
