i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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