I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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