I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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