omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
