I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
