Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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