He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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