There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
