maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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