i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
