Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
