Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
