I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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