ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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