He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
