Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize