she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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