My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
