No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
