WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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