I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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