Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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