you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
