I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
