Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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