alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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