I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
