Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
