ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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