Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
