I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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