"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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