Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
