ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
