I just pynch a tree in the face
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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