i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
