i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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