What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
