she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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