I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
