I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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