I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
