Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
