What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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