update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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