Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
