I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
